A&E (Anticipated and Expected)

I’m getting older and clumsier. I’ve been fortunate in having only visited A&E on one occasion, so far, which involved my finger, an electric carving knife and a gammon joint! Some 30 years on it still haunts me.

Anyhow, it occurs to me that there are a few regular occurrences (getting more regular by the day) which will get me there again soon:

1. My assumption that all glass doors will open automatically for me – ouch!

2. A wheelie case related incident as I have tripped over them in most airports, tube stations, shopping centres, on escalators and don’t get me started on Christmas Markets! They are out to get me for sure.

3. Aforementioned escalators. It can’t be too long before I take a tumble, likely taking a few unsuspecting tourists with me, as people have a habit of jumping out from standing on the right as I’m hurtling passed. I take no prisoners! Also… to those who just stand at the top of the escalators as soon as they get off and don’t move AND for those who get off the tube and do the same… please don’t!

4. Kindle related face injury – this might be a lucrative earner for my dentist and/or a good plastic surgeon. At least once a week, I read in bed with my Kindle above my face and wake to find it on its way down, thankfully so far, to the bedroom floor. One day it ain’t gonna be so pretty!

5. Being a Treadmill Diva. The only way I can get through my daily 5K at the gym is to imagine myself as Barbara Streisand at the Carnegie Hall (obvs), Mariah Carey at Caesars Palace or Dolly Parton at the Grand Ole Opry. By the time I’m knocking out my encore, I am so absorbed in my big finale that I’m almost off the end of the belt. I may channel Sandra from Brotherhood of Man in future as I suspect she is rather less hazardous.

6. A hair and make up related incident – from catching my eyelid in my lash curlers to third degree hair straightener burns (who hasn’t?)…the list is growing daily.

7. Asphyxiation by Jo Malone linen spray (other brands are available)! With its black aerosol button hiding where the fragrance is going to be emitted from, I usually half blind myself and swallow more than is required for your average king size bed. Well... at least I’ll smell lovely when I get to A&E!