Small Plate Rant

Picture the scene, which I am sure is played out regularly in pubs and restaurants across our land... an elderly diner wants a smaller meal – mais non! This diner is not a child, so they are not tempted by any of the ‘kids’ meals, nor do they qualify. They may prefer a selection of tapas-type starters, although I have played the ‘starter barter’ game a few times and tried to convince the server that we want a starter with the rest of the diners’ main meals... you’d think I’d asked for one of their kidneys! This elderly diner would typically want one sausage (bearing in mind, sausages are often the size of a small child’s arm), a fist-sized portion of mashed potato with a spoonful of garden peas. Let’s park the fact that aforementioned elderly diner will be able to manage a full-sized portion of Eton Mess when the time comes, or indeed instead of the main course.

My parents’ generation are rarely excited by the huge meals that their offspring have come to expect. It is well-documented that portion sizes have become disproportionate to our quest to tackle obesity, so it would be wise for us to go back to basics at some point. However, let’s save that ‘rant’ for another day.

Today I want to implore, nay beg if need be, our restaurateurs to consider an offering that is both appetising but not embarrassing (e.g. fish fingers, chips and a colouring book) for our beloved parents/grandparents... and reducing the meal by one potato does not count either.

I have witnessed this scene regularly and continue to do so; my mum just wants a smaller portion of what is on offer, but so many places are reluctant to offer this. It really isn’t about the money, although naturally, there should be at least a nominal reduction for smaller meals. Is it, I have pondered, about what to call this offering – what about an earth shattering ‘small’ as opposed to ‘regular’... or is that just too obvious?

I appreciate that I could go to a nouveau cuisine restaurant but I can’t face the hour I’d need to explain the menu to my mum and have her telling me it’s not right to put paprika on a peach, let alone the lecture about how the £30 for a main course could have fed her family for a month in the 1950s.

My wish would be for my Mother to have a meal placed before her, which does not overwhelm her diminishing appetite for anything not Cadbury’s related at least! It would also be one that she does not feel obliged to share with the rest of the table, as she feels embarrassed to leave so much on her plate. On a totally selfish note, she’s getting worn down by the amount of food and we’re getting fatter as we try and appease her by gorging on her left over roasties!

We must take action! I suspect that my lovely mum dreads being taken out as she fears the mountain of food being offered, whilst I miss the feeling of joy that she has enjoyed a nutritious meal, as her motivation for cooking has diminished since being widowed.

With an ageing population, I have observed that most folk age in a similar way and a reduced appetite is part of this process. If the restaurants fear judgement on social media or, even worse for them TripAdvisor, I would challenge them to market it well and give it a go... and we wouldn’t want her going without her dessert now would we!

NB: talking of restaurants/bars….what is the fashion for not labelling their loos in plain English. Again, my mum would appreciate a bog–standard (no pun intended) ‘Ladies’ on the door. She is really struggling, as am I, to determine what the difference is between the face of a male and female cow, or how you can tell a girl’s skull from a boy’s. I’m all for stunning and different interior designs, but some things are best kept simple.

Which is which?